So, it's been just over a year since I was on this blog, writing anything, doing anything at all with it. A very busy year too.
I left it because I thought I had to leave lolita. I'm a size 20, live below the poverty line, and...
*deep breath*
I'm genderqueer. This means I don't fit into the binary of genders of male and female. I'm somewhere... else. I don't quite feel between them, I feel like a third gender, related to female, with a slight look of male, but neither one nor the other.
I felt like none of these things belonged in Lolita. Brand and not are expensive, wigs are expensive. $50 is what I might make in a week, just enough to buy a lower end wig, but then how do I get food?
Then Occupy Wall St started.
I'm an activist and an anarchist at my core, and I had to go. Occupy started up here and I joined in and that was it. In my mind you couldn't be lolita and an activist. You can't sit in the rain and cold for three months on your JSK and petticoats. You don't get arrested in a split-color wig and BBTSSB. To me that was the last step and I left Lolita. I was not meant for the beauty.
I still love Lolita though. I love the look, the culture, I love the creativity, I want that. Now however, I've started dealing with my past more, abuse, to be exact, an in my mind all things feminine have become dangerous, because feminine, girlishness, my female body, those are, in my mind, what got me abused. Obviously that's not true, the abuser is what got me abused, nothing I did was wrong, but that's not what my mind says when I go to grab a skirt. On-top of that every girlish skirt feels wrong, it feels like I am betraying my queerness, invalidating it, I'm not queer enough. Of course, this isn't true, I am queer enough, but there's an expectation in the world that queer means you can't dress as what you were assigned at birth, in my case, female. You can't where dresses, you gotta where boy's clothes, even if you like dresses.
I'm realizing slowly though, that that isn't true. I can be goddamn queerist Lolita. I can be so super queer and still wear pink and frills. It doesn't matter. I can be an activist and Lolita. You don't have to wear torn up clothes just smash the patriarchy! You can wear a skirt and swing that hammer! I can march down mainstreet in whatever the fuck I want and scream out against a capitalist machine that leaves me and my friends hungry. It won't invalidate me. It won't invalidate my words.
So this blog is changing. It is going to take on a slight new spin.
It's going to be about me accepting my queerness and desire to wear Lolita. It's going to be about me taking small steps to return to Lolita and be comfortable. Also expect misandry. Cause I hate boys.
